I had gone to sleep at 9 PM, with the intention to join the weekly meditation session with my old peers from Vipassana course, to wake up at 12 AM, and keep alerted till now. It was just a misfortune, till I think about it, again. I can’t count how many times that I have thought of it, that I have regretted it, that what if I had chosen to do differently. It have been many months and I have stepped into the new chapter of life with lots of blessings, but I can’t completely move it on. At least I don’t have any harsh feeling about it anymore, but keep thinking is enough to make it hard to get back to sleep. So I choose to write something, to just keep my mind more clear from the mess, hope to feel sleepy soon, and continue with the journey of healing my soul.
It was the biggest failure so far in my 23 years on this planet earth. It was the time when all my values were challenged, all my beliefs collapsed – including the belief in myself that I am still on the way to gain back. It was not only a hard-to-sleep night like this, but kinda sleepless nights, with not-so-little mental damage. Yes, it sounds dramatic, or serious, and me years later will laugh at it definitely, that how exaggerated everything was. And of course it is impossible too, to let others understand it thoroughly, or just give an empathy through a conversation. Cuz to make it happen costs years of events, of experiences, of effort & dedication, of belief constructing & destructing. But it was also the fact I witnessed, the ugliest self to be uncovered, and the critical milestone that shaped me a lot in how I want to treat myself in a more gentle, kind, and pampered way.
Yes I choose to write these words for myself, as an act of caring to my inner child. It is the first time that I have enough courage to face it directly by writing it down instead of ignoring it, and try my best to leave no judgment, distress, hatred, or anger to myself. Though I really dont want to have this kind of experience again, I can’t appreciate more of how soon it happens in my life, so I can redefine the person I want to be years later, and cherish what I am having everyday, to live a more happy & mindful life.
So dizzy now that I can go back to sleep haha, and definitely there will be no alarm clock this Sunday morning 
